An ad for sleep aid Lunesta was just on our television, and it contained one of the stupidest warnings I’ve ever heard in a medication ad:

Do not take Lunesta if you’re allergic to anything in it.

…

Because that’s not true of absolutely everything in existence. You allergic to something? DON’T TAKE/USE/EAT/DRINK/FUCK IT.

What’s also ridiculous about this is that they’re not even gonna let you in on what the hell is in Lunesta. There’s no “Don’t take if you’re allergic to NSAIDs,” or something similar. You gotta find out what the hell is in Lunesta yourself. Do your own legwork; Sepracore hasn’t the time to lay this out for you. Be your own health advocate. We can’t have the government explaining shit for you. Ron Paul would love this.

“I’m allergic to peanuts. Are there peanuts in Lunesta? Do they sell Lunesta Trail Mix?”

That would be a great product. Eat a handful of peanuts and granola and M&Ms, go to sleep.

Go to sleep, Lunesta ad writers.

Bella follows Edward into a clearing in the woods. She’s pensive, but determined to find an answer

BELLA: You’re impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is… pale white, and ice cold. Your eyes change color… and sometimes you speak like – like you’re from a different time. You never eat or drink anything; you don’t go into the sunlight…. How old are you?

EDWARD: Seventeen.

BELLA: How long have you been seventeen?

EDWARD: …a while.

BELLA: I know what you are.

EDWARD: Say it… out loud. Say it.

BELLA: ….Jewish….

EDWARD: And what – hold on, what? JEWISH?! I’m an inhuman monster, and you think that’s a sign I’m Jewish?

BELLA: You’re… not?

EDWARD: No, goddammit! I’m a fucking vampire! Ice cold, drinks blood? Seriously, Jewish? You think Jews drink blood?

BELLA: I just, I never grew up around Jews is all.

EDWARD: I didn’t grow up around Muslims, but I certainly don’t think they drink blood! What the fuck, Bella?

BELLA: I’m sorry, I just didn’t know….

EDWARD: NO! No, you didn’t. So why even say it?

Edward turns and storms out of the clearing.

EDWARD: Don’t talk to me anymore, OK? Didn’t realize I was falling for a Nazi….

Edward’s gone. Bella just stands there for a moment.

BELLA (to herself): Jacob’s not Jewish, right? Nah….

1. The Dimbulb

I clicked “Shut Down,” and now my computer is off. Why’d that happen?

2. The Veteran

Yeah, sure, double-click to open. I know, this isn’t my first rodeo…. I’ve gone to six of these this month already. I do every year!

3. The Person for Whom the Procedures Won’t Work

So, umlauts won’t register in the system? OK, see, that’s gonna be a problem, because where I work, we have a significant Swedish population, and about two-thirds have an umlaut in their name. So, yeah, if we can’t put umlauts in, I don’t think this’ll work for us….

4. The Person(s) Who Think This Is a Party

I know, and he walked in, and he’s all “Where’s the pie?” REMEMBER THAT?! And he looked like – I KNOW, TOM SELLECK! Sorry, what? Oh, right. I clicked “Shut Down,” and now my computer’s off.

5. The Person Who Just Wants to Leave (Usually Me)

OK, I passed the quiz; can I just leave now?

Ham & Cheesy, 2016

1. Intro / Weather
2. Do We Have Enough Chex Mix?
3. House Hunters & White People
4. The Lab That Invented Ryan Seacrest
5. Baby Poop
6. What’s Up Condoleezza Rice’s Ass?
7. Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Welcome
8. I Love Chili’s
9. I Hate Chili’s
10. Larry the Cable Guy Isn’t Real
11. The Former Mrs Butterworth
12. Twilight Fans & Their Facebook Profiles
13. A Fate Worse Than Death (Watching Honey Boo Boo)
14. The Arthritis Story / Outro

If a film has a scene wherein the characters are becoming successful in the cocaine trade in the mid-70s, it must be scored by Manfred Mann’s version of “Blinded by the Light.”

GUY 1: “Holy shit! Can you believe it? We just made $50k in one night! FUCK!”

GUY 2: “This is just the beginning, man! The sky’s the limit! WHOOOOO!”

SOUNDTRACK: “BLINDED BY THE LIGHT/ REVVED UP LIKE A DEUCE/ ANOTHER RUNNER IN THE NIGHT…”

• Steve Schmidt: “Romney had a good hustle out there.”
• Al Sharpton: “Time will judge the heathen and liar Mittrow Romney for his crimes against humanity.”
• Ed Schultz: “What was Obama’s camp thinking? Wha… what in the… what?”
• Chris Hayes: “Here are some points.”
• Chris Matthews: “WHAT IN THE GREAT HOLY FUCK HAPPENED OH MY GOD THIS IS AWFUL MY HEART IT’S THE BIG ONE ELIZABETH”
• Rachel Maddow: “…”

I told the man everything about Nicolas. That night in Paris when we were supposed to have a romantic weekend, but it devolved into 48 straight hours of fighting. Us, in a hotel room overlooking the Champs Elysees, tearing each other apart, laying bare our souls, our demons, our secrets. I was an enigma, Nic told me, I was a riddle without solution, aggressively and intentionally opaque, gleeful in my willingness to never let my guard down. I told Nic how unfair that assessment was, and he just laughed. Remember Denis’ birthday? he reminded me. We were all drunk on wine and stoned on high-grade hash, and I told everyone about Nic’s problems in bed. I humiliated him, and I don’t know why I even did so. I was probably angry about something, and that I can’t remember why leads me to believe I had no reason at all. It was all I needed at the time in Paris: something he could hang his argument upon. Now I had no case, no way to counter about what a bastard he was to me. He stared me down for a moment, then left the hotel room. I cried for an hour straight, smoked the last half of the joint we had, and passed out, still in my bridesmaid’s dress. I told the man, Nicolas would be the death of me, but I still couldn’t shake him.

The man replied, “Um, ma’am? This is an Arby’s. If you don’t want to order anything, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

I ordered a Beef & Cheddar combo. Nicolas was right; I had become utterly predictable.